Day 1

My cat seems mildly bemused that I am not out of the door after throwing down a sachet of whiskers and a quick chin tickle.

Day 3

My son decides that the cat is going to be TikTok famous and starts following him around the house waiting for him to do something entertaining. The cat obliges and knocks over a martini glass from the previous night’s lockdown cocktail. With supermarket trips now seen as a once a week luxury who has not started mixing things from the back of the cupboard adding ice and a slice and hoping for the best?

My best lockdown cocktail recipe: the lemon drop Martini:

Cointreau, vodka, juice of a lemon, and sugar syrup. Quantities of alcohol as advised by the stress levels you are currently feeling.

Day 15

The cat thinks that every time I go into the kitchen to make a cup of tea that it is his dinner time. He is now being fed up to seven times a day. This is also how many snacks I am making for my teenage son per hour. My food bill for the household has skyrocketed.

Day 24

The cat has vomited on the bathmat due to overconsumption of Dreamies. His go to place for vomiting is the bathmat, I ponder for 5 minutes why this is whilst I clean it up.

Day 30

The cat shows his utter contempt for my working life by displaying his anus on a zoom call. I need something stronger than a green tea to survive the week.

Day 34

My cat has 115 followers on TikTok. When can I retire and monetise this creature?